I was recently on vacation in the Bahamas. While on the beach, I met a guy selling conch shells. He was also selling drinks in a pineapple. He was multitasking. He told me that he waits to make 150$ a day on the beach before he starts womanizing. I thought that was quite sensible or disciplined for a man who literally asked me which one of my group of baddies he had the best chances with. 😌
He had at least some level of self-regard, enough to set a limit for himself or introduce some level of discipline. It didn't mean that he had it in him to care about any of the women he was womanizing. They were obviously a means to an end, but from his perspective, they were looking for exactly what he was peddling. I ended up talking to him for a bit because I was trying to get some information about excursions. At one point, he ended up expressing his goal of moving back to Eleuthera, where he was born, to settle down with a wife and have some kids. I found that surprising somehow. He expressed a very common aspiration, but it seemed like a constraining lifestyle for such a free spirit.
Sometimes we dream big, but don't necessarily allow ourselves to achieve these dreams because, deep down inside, we aren't certain we deserve it. There is the big plan that gives us hope and drive to be better and do better. It fuels us and helps us see ourselves in the best possible light. It isn't futile, despite our procrastination or lack of true commitment. I left that conversation wondering how his womanizing was helping him achieve his goals of having a family. Why do it if it isn't really serving you?
This is the thing about coaching. We tell ourselves so many stories about who we are, what we are capable of, and what our destiny holds for us. These stories are powerful. They start to inform our reality. Underneath it, our fears and insecurities are lurking and running the show like a veritable Hamburglar running off with the coveted cheeseburger!
In coaching, we are actually being asked to show up and face the Hamburglar. Does this thought or belief serve you and your goals? Is it helping you to achieve what you desire? Is this belief true? Is this what you truly want? If so, is there something in the way of you getting it? We discover how to get from where we are to where we want to be. This means being in touch with our desires, actually taking the steps to get there and removing the blockages that stand like roadblocks along the way.
That day, I remember thinking that if he was looking for a woman to settle down and have a family with, his current ritual of womanizing seemed counterproductive. He didn't think it was, though. It felt good to enjoy the day at the beach, getting some level of attention and validation from random women. He was compelled by a more pressing need, something deeper...a need to be seen and valued by others, perhaps. Something more pressing than the desire to have a family. He prioritized that need without even a thought to how it was, in any way, connected to him achieving his ultimate goals.
Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we self-sabotage. We stand in the way of our own desires. This isn't a matter of right or wrong or good or bad. Throughout our lives, we touch so many people with our imperfect presence and ill-advised decisions. We learn and teach with our every move. Nevertheless, it is also the case that these are all opportunities to ask ourselves: if I am doing it, does it serve me?
