I have had such an intense journey in this life. So far, much of it has been a story of survival. A lot of it was about being alone. A lot of it was about resilience. All of it was about God. So much of my story is punctuated by moments of desperation and moments of strength. A lot of my strength came from my ability to keep focusing and refocusing on one goal: the goal of self-actualization.
When I was about 8 years old, I was playing Barbies on the living room floor when I overheard my Dad having a conversation with his friend. He said that the goal of life is self-actualization. I believed him! From that moment on, I decided that my goal in life would be to self-actualize. Kind of a lofty goal for an 8-year-old! I really felt it, though. How did I even know what that meant? I sat there overhearing a very philosophical discussion and came to some understanding that kept my focus on growing myself spiritually. I didn’t really know how to get there, though. I didn’t know what steps to take or what path to follow to achieve that goal. I was given very explicit steps to follow for survival: education, career, marriage, and so on, but no information on self-actualization. Now I look back and wonder if all of my pain and trauma and struggles were the path. Perhaps the Universe provided these events as mile markers to help me achieve this specific goal.
Even if that isn’t the case, isn’t it interesting how this interpretation can cast a completely different light on these events just by believing that this is true?
What do we really change when we are comfortable? Rarely does comfort lead to change or decisive action. Our survival goals are the mile markers that we consciously place along our path. Yet, what about the mile markers that we didn’t expect? The ones that just happened, that the Universe just seems to have laid along the path with no explanation?
The subconscious is always trying to help us reach our destination. We anticipate the pass go and collect 200$ events that we have planned for, but we are also collecting when we experience the events we aren’t even conscious of having created. When I think about what I wanted to accomplish in life, I reflect on the fact that my conscious goals were all about surviving and showing the world that I was a success, but my ultimate goal in life was to self-actualize. Did I survive? Yes! Did I reach the mile markers? Yes! I got educated, I built a career, got married, bought a house in the burbs, bought a car, and lived the very conventional Netflix and Costco life that many people aspire to live. None of that truly fulfilled me, though. I was surviving, and outwardly, I was a success, but inside, I wasn’t thriving.
Today, I am more than just alive. I am well. I am thriving. I have accomplished so many things, but those things weren’t just the expected obstacles I overcame along the road. The mile markers for my road to self-actualization were very different. For that journey, the mile markers were all of the traumatic events I endured: the abandonment, the neglect, the abuse, the betrayal, the deaths, the divorce, the illness. Ultimately, it was the pain that taught me how to get up, fall after fall. It was the pain that showed me my strength and resilience. It was the pain that taught me about who I am. It was the pain that taught me faith, patience and bravery. It was the pain that showed me my power.
When we set a goal for ourselves, we never say that we will pepper our path to success with pain and trauma. Yet, when I reflect today, I see that the bricks that made this path were, most assuredly, made of those experiences. Pain made me look for help, information, solutions, and skills. It made me dig deeper and deeper into my motivations, my connections to people and places, my stories. It made me question myself constantly and ask myself what decision the highest me would make in this situation. In my desperation, it made me search for God. It made me admit that I didn’t know the answer, and it made me start listening. It built the me that is moving on beyond the pain and trauma. It is building the me that my eight-year-old me decided was worthwhile.
This isn’t me saying that I am self-actualized, but as far as goals and journeys and mile markers are concerned, it is the painful experiences that have made my life deeply meaningful to me. I certainly don’t view my trauma as I once did. These were the experiences that really grew me into the woman I am today. And what are we really here for anyway? If my Soul chose this incarnation to learn and evolve itself, and I believe that it has, what made my life meaningful and worthwhile? It was the collection of obstacles and tribulations along the path, the pain and the trauma, that allowed me to work on being the highest version of me possible. It made me make choices and decide who I was going to be in the face of discomfort. It also made me decide what I was going to do to be someone I wanted to look at in the mirror. It has allowed me to find gratitude for the pain and the pleasure. It has made me realize that, despite the pain and suffering, the Universe has its own intelligent plan and, most assuredly, is always on my side.
